Learn to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse with Contagious Reads! #zOctober2014

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~A Sarcastic List of Tips for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse~

We at Contagious Reads firmly believe in learning all there is to know about surviving the Z-Poc. We also firmly believe in laughing even in the face of the undead.

Zombie

Here is a list of things we learned that will help (or maybe not) us survive Z-Day and beyond!

1. Don’t trust anyone. Not even your own family. (Basically every post apocalyptic thing ever).

2. Twinkies are worth it. So says Zombieland. Although, in reality, Ho-hos are better.

3. Moaning and shuffling your feet is enough to trick a zombie into thinking you’re one of them. (Shaun of the Dead)

4. Covering yourself in putrefying zombie guts is ACTUALLY required to trick a zombie. (TWD)

dangerous nurse

5. Having inbred relations is okay, once there are no parents to tell you not to. (How I Live Now)

6. When times are tough, and the pressure is mounting NOTHING is better than a long winded monologue that goes on for half an hour. It’s not like the zombies are actually a real threat. (TWD)

7. People from Iowa turn into psycho hillbillies. AVOID IOWA AT ALL COSTS! (Deathly Contagious)

8. Being a conjoined twin with a zombie baby isn’t half as bad as you’d expect it to be. (Little Dead Man by Jake Bible)

9. If you get bit, just hack it off and quickly. (TWD)

10. Don’t count anything out as a weapon. Your life depends on it, make it work. (Shaun of the Dead)

Woman dj portrait with vinyl record and headphones

11. The government established ‘safe zone’ is NEVER safe. Avoid it at all costs. (Every apocalyptic scenario ever.)

Zombie breakout - Contaminated Land with warning sign.

12. When the apocalypse starts you will magically become a zombie killing badass. No experience necessary. (Dawn of the Dead and several other movies/books, except Ving Rhames he’s been in a million zombie movies. HE GETS IT.)

13. Aim for the head. Double tap. (TWD, Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead remake and every other zombie thing out there.)

14. Cars are easily hotwired, so don’t worry about finding a good set of wheels. (Again basically every single zombie thing out there).

15. If you must partner up, make sure it’s a hot Marine! (The Contagium Series)

Muscular soldier

We plan to survive and thrive!!

And if our plans fail and we get bit, here are the first people we’re going to eat!

SONY DSC

1. My Grandma……. shhh. I’m a horrible granddaughter I’ve already come to terms with that.

2. My older sister and her family. HER. WHOLE. FAMILY.

3. My boss.

4. Justin Bieber. And any singer from One Direction. Or any boy band for that matter. I’m eating all of their faces.

5. Kit Harington so he can be my zombie husband.(Uh you mean my zombie husband…psh).

6. Any team mascot in a puffy suit that I can get my hands on.

7. Chip n Dale dancers. Undead doesn’t mean unsexy.

8. Emily Goodwin, so we wouldn’t have to miss her so much!

9. William Shatner. Just because. He’s the Shat!!

10. Toni Lesatz. At this point, she must know everything there is to know about zombies, and I’d rather have her on MY side.


~About Contagious Reads~

Sugar skull girl in tophat in the forest, Halloween theme

Contagious Reads was founded on a whim by Lori in April/May of 2012. At the time it was called ‘What I’m Digging Now’. Shortly after reading Contagious by Emily Goodwin, Lori and her co-blogger Kami decided that Contagious Reads was the perfect name for their blog since they both read and loved everything zombie.

Lindsay and Elyse joined Contagious Reads in 2013. The girls still blog all things zombie, but they read other things too.


~Giveaway~

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Wife, mother, blogger, author, gamer, and a lover of the culinary arts. Toni lives in Michigan with her husband and four children. If she's not writing or curled up with a book, you'll most likely find her playing with her kids, baking cupcakes, or killing zombies.
  • Lori F

    My husband, my doctor & my dentist.

  • Love that you’d eat your grandma first. If mine weren’t dead, I’d be right there with ya. 😛 haha! WRITE ON!

  • Traci

    Haha…great post. Well let’s see, who would I bite..? Well I would say my ex mother-in-law because she’s evil and deserves to die, but she’s evil and probably started the whole thing…
    So…
    1. Tommy Lee..my zombie husband
    2. Okay, because I feel bad, my husband Rick( but Tommy stays)
    3. Morgan Freeman..but only if he keeps his smarts, we might need that
    There’s so many more, but most would be just dead, not undead.
    Cool giveaway, thanks you guys!!!!!

  • Susan Pigott

    Love this! Lol
    1. Charlie Hunnan for my zombie mate
    2. Ving Thames – just because he has been in several z-movies
    3. (I would say my grand-daughter, but I had to promise her that I would never bite her, if I turned) Claire Riley, so she can’t kill me in a book!

  • Lori Parker

    This post still cracks me up. Thanks for having us Toni!!!

  • Nikki Johnstone

    I have no clue who I would bite first. Do you bite ones that you have a grudge against or do you bite the ones that you want to keep. If it’s the latter, then I would bite:

    1) Anyone badass who fights zombies in movies and books so they can’t take me out.

    2) my whole family, including my wonderful four legged doxies so they can stay with me forever

    3) Sean Connery and Sam Elliott, coz to me they’re just freaking awesome and deserve to stay.

  • melissa

    Awesome post. The question is who would you bite and who would you tear their faces off. Though i have a few people in mind I don’t think I can pick right now.

  • Erin Hayes

    I’d bite my cat, because she deserves it. My husband, because I’m romantic. And probably Jack Black because I need some laughter in the undead life.

  • Nastasia Alexandria Nazar

    Hilary Clinton, This annoying girl named Christy who is a two faced @#%&, and someone that my friends and I have to put up with that we’d rather not. I’ve already said she’s getting pushed down if we’re being chased!

  • Tia

    I would bite my sister-in-law, my sister-in-laws mom, and her sister too….They don’t need to live. Can you feel the love?! Tee Hee!

  • Laura Wilson-Farmer

    I would bite all 3 exes~vengence will be mine! 😛

  • Jeremy Hunt

    Whoever infected me, and any 2 Kardashians.

  • Donna Tuggle

    #1 The BITCH at the dollar general who always rolls her eyes and looks like she just smelled a fart! #2 The ASSHOLE who pulls out in front of me or stops in front of me without a signal! (this could include 1/3 of my town!!) #3 The NASTY mother at my friend’s autistic son’s school who says she does not want her kids around THOSE kind of kids! Actually, I’m kinda more looking forward to all those people turning so I can blow their heads off or beat them in with a bat lol

  • Lori Hopkins

    2 ex-husbands, and my cousins’s baby daddies…they are worthless shits!

  • Amber (@ YA Indulgences)

    I don’t think I’d actually bite anyone, if my surviving the Zombie Apocalypse plan failed (which it surely would, there’s no real if). 🙂

    Let me just say… I love Kit Harrington. Scratch my last answer, I’d bite him. Assuming you hadn’t gotten to him first of course, haha.

  • Ooh this is awesome! I guess I’d have to go ahead and bite my family so we can be zombies together.

  • 1. Anyone who came near my food
    2. Anyone who came near my gasoline stash
    3. Anyone who CAME NEAR MY COFFEE

  • Michelle Willms

    My sister-in-law, that nasty critter my biological father married, and one of the skanks she has for a daughter.

  • bn100

    all family members

  • Amanda Whitley

    i would bite my ex and thats it. thats the only person i really despise.